Pretty, Pretty Boy
by JoanIncarnate
Summary: "You are just one pretty, pretty boy, Reid." The lovely ladies of Quantico's finest profiling team get bored, so they find something fun to do. As usual, "something fun" involves messing with the resident Boy Genius. Just a regular day at the BAU. (Rated K for cursing.)


**WARNINGS: **Character image destruction, humiliation for Junior G-Man, and slight (or major) OOC, cursing, TOTAL CRACK FIC  
**DISCLAIMERS: **I do not own Criminal Minds nor do I own any of the characters that are mentioned in the following story. The TV crime drama, Criminal Minds, and its characters are property of CBS. I don't even own ribbons or bows or hairspray.

* * *

"I'm bored."

Derek Morgan peeked an eye over at the speaker. "Baby Girl, we've only been on the jet for an hour. You better settle in because this is gonna be a long flight."

The blonde tech analyst grumbled, "You were right. This really does get old! And you lied, there is no Cristal!"

"What a shame, though," Prentiss murmured. "Sure could use something right now."

JJ sighed, "Got that right."

"Aw, come on," Morgan clucked his tongue at the BAU women. "We did good on this one! We caught the unsub, rescued the victims, what more could you want?"

"Something to do," Garcia said.

"Something to drink," JJ added.

"Something _alcoholic_ to drink," Prentiss amended.

Morgan shook his head, "This is why people say that women cannot be pleased. If you're so bored, go do some paperwork."

Prentiss made a face. "It's like you don't even understand: paperwork is the homework of the BAU."

"Then take a nap."

"Can't," Garcia shrugged somewhat abashedly. "Six cups of coffee and counting, my chocolate Adonis. I'm not _anywhere_ near crashing."

Morgan groaned, "Go play with Reid or something."

The girls took a look around the jet. "He's sleeping. And so is Rossi and Hotch."

"Not my problem," Morgan pulled his headphones over his ears and closed his eyes. He heard the girls scoff and shuffle around as they left him alone. He was also pretty sure he heard someone (Prentiss) mutter, "dick."

The lovely ladies of the BAU moved over to the area where SSA Dr. Spencer Reid was curled on top of a couch to get away from the rest of the sleeping team.

Garcia pouted, "Now what are we supposed to do?"

Three pairs of eyes watched the skinny genius sleep. There was a part of them that wanted to wake the kid up so he could play with them, because let's face it- Reid could be incredibly amusing when teased, and there was a plethora of topics they could tease him about. The larger person in them, the maternal instincts, decided to let the poor boy sleep. The case had relied on his ability to crack codes and recognize algorithmic patterns, therefore by default, his ability to run on coffee instead of sleep.

Besides, he looked adorable when he was sleeping.

JJ brushed the hair out of Spencer's eyes affectionately but then paused and ran a hand through his hair again. "Whoa."

"What?"

"You've gotta feel this," JJ kept petting his hair, not unlike a dog or cat. "Come here and touch his hair."

Garcia and Prentiss exchanged a look and shrugged before reaching over and petting Reid's hair.

"Oh. My. God."

"This is the softest thing ever!"

"Right?"

They all hummed in agreement and had a moment of silent appreciation for the softness that was Boy Genius's hair.

The three of them froze as Reid shifted in his sleep before resuming his slumber.

"Should we stop?" JJ looked at the slumbering manchild nervously. "I think he would freak if he woke to the three of us hovering over him with our hands all over him."

Garcia scoffed, "Freak? He should be honored! It's not everyday that the three beautiful ladies of the BAU decide to pay this much attention to a man."

"I don't think I could stop even if I wanted to," Prentiss murmured.

Garcia whispered, "Okay, I am officially majorly jealous. All those hair products and treatments and my golden locks feel nothing like this! Do you know what shampoo he uses? I so need to get my hands on it... Is it possible that all that brain activity stimulated his hair follicles, thus developing this beautiful mane of soft fluffy?"

JJ laughed, "Then I guess there's no hope for us."

Prentiss continued stroking the head of brown wavy locks. "Damn. Can I just snip this off and stick it on my head?"

JJ smirked, "Only if you share."

"Let's do it," Prentiss whispered/declared. "It's not like he needs all that hair anyway!"

"Oh, sweetie." Garcia patted her on the shoulder, "As adorable as Junior G-Man is, even he cannot rock the bald look."

"This sucks."

"Majorly."

JJ sighed, intertwining a wavy lock between her fingers. "This is so great. I've always wanted a younger sister. Someone to pamper, whose hair I could play with, you know?"

"Girl, join the club," Prentiss rolled her eyes. "You are preaching to the choir here."

Garcia squealed, "Aw, ff I had a little sister, I would do all kinds of cute things to her hair. Braid it, curl it, straighten it, the list is endless."

"Ribbons and bows."

"Hairspray and mousse."

"Extensions."

"Yeah..." the girls sighed dreamily.

JJ paused in the hair-petting. "Hey... what do you have in your bags right now?"

* * *

Spencer Reid could feel himself waking up as the plane landed. He had the weirdest dream. In his dream, he was one of the dalmatians from that Disney movie with all the dogs, and he had gotten kidnapped by giggling girls who wanted him for his pelt.

According to the thirty-two books he had read on dream interpretation and psychology, Reid could see his dream as his subconscious hinting to him that he felt he was losing his identity, becoming just one out of hundreds. Black and white- that was a classic example of opposites and clear cut rules. Dogs are typically associated with loyalty and submission. The giggling girls could be a visual embodiment of the harmlessness he associated with his source of stress, as would be the fact that the movie came from Disney. Getting kidnapped for his pelt could be a symbol of the way he felt he was valued. Collectively, that meant that Reid's inner-Reid was sending him this message: he needed to take a vacation.

Yeah, he could see himself thinking that.

Opening his eyes, Reid could make out some blurry blobs of blonde and brunette through the slits of his eyes. Frowning, he blinked as he adjusted to the dim lights and rubbed his eyes.

And almost fell out the couch when he focused in on JJ, Prentiss, and Garcia grinning widely from their spots, one feet above his face.

"Morning, Sleeping Beauty," Garcia said, giggling.

Emily smirked at him, "Rise and shine, gorgeous."

Reid waved awkwardly and did an ungraceful backwards crawl towards the other couch.

"Did you have a nice nap?" Garcia said innocently with batting eyelashes.

"Uh, yes?"

JJ just smiled mysteriously at him.

Reid narrowed his eyes. Those faces... he had seen those faces before. They were up to something. He didn't know what but he would figure it out. And he was _not_ going to fall for it, whatever it was. Grabbing his go-bag off the floor, the genius stood up and headed for the doors.

"Hey, Reid. Had a nice- whoa." Hotch stopped and stared. "What on-"

"Doesn't he look great?" Emily interrupted, "Really well rested, right?"

Hotch blinked and caught the look the girls were giving him. "I- uh, yeah. Great."

There was something wrong, Reid knew, he just didn't know what yet. Frowning, he moved past the taller profiler and past Rossi.

"Whoa," Rossi looked him over. "Kid, what happened?"

"What?" Reid asked defensively.

Morgan yawned, finally waking up, and stretched as he stood up. And that's when he saw it. The entire BAU team surrounding Dr. Reid, whose head was currently adorned with more bows and ribbons than a Christmas tree. Not just bows and ribbons, but braids. And little poofy ponytails supported by gravity-defying hairspray and an assortment of scrunchies.

Morgan let out a long whistle. "Damn."

"WHAT?" Reid asked.

The entire BAU team, with the exception of Reid, exchanged a look and possibly a telepathic message because they all simply understood: the hair was not to be messed with.

"Nothing," Morgan shrugged. "You just look extra pretty today, Pretty Boy."

Emily slung an arm over the confused genius' shoulders as JJ and Garcia put their arms around his.

"You are just one pretty, pretty boy, Reid."

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Like I said, a total crack fic. As for the dream interpretation stuff I wrote, I just made that up. I did read a dream interpretation book but that was years ago and it seemed really cliche to me so I'm just using what seems about right to me. And I'm not even going to pretend I am not a screaming fangirl for Matthew Gray Gubler. Hope you enjoyed, thanks for reading and please leave a review!


End file.
